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Friday, October 31, 2003
The fear piece is coming along more slowly than expected. Sorry for the tease!
Good news: I quit the job at Stumpwater; I don't expect to be working there past this weekend. Yay!
Other good news: After a somewhat immature and pathetic freakout re: my workload at St. Ned's a couple of weeks ago, I now have volunteer helpers in the afternoon who answer the phones for me and do whatever else I can offload. This means that I am free to focus on my work with 70% fewer interruptions. Next week, I'll start moving to a more remote office (as opposed to the front desk) for two days a week so that I can be totally heads-down. This is so very cool. Yesterday, I ran the Sunday bulletin at 4:00 in the afternoon, which is about three hours earlier than usual. I got to get out at a reasonable time and go watch The Mole People with Ryan and Leigh and see all of Leigh's fabulous pumpkins.
Ah, heck, she can't read: I'm really excited about the Cutting Food Box I ordered for my niece's 3rd birthday next month. It's so cool - the food pieces have velcro holding them together, so when you cut them with the knife, they make a sound. I am easily amused.
Happy Halloween! I'm going to a show tonight with Dennis, in my super-dorky eyeball deelyboppers and my pirate shirt.
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Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Here's an uncomfortable thought: how much of what you do is motivated by fear?
I have more to say on the subject, but it is late and I need to sleep, so I'm going to leave just that bit hanging here.
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Sunday, October 26, 2003
I always leave my cel phone in the car when I go to church. Well, almost always. Today, for example, I didn't do that. I remembered when I heard the theme from the Simpsons. In the middle of the eucharist.
Arrrrgh. I'm glad I was sitting near the door.
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I sewed frantically after I got home from Job II: Electric Boogaloo last night; the pink genie whose outfit is pink costume for MacKenzie is nearly finished. There were stupid moments of doing stupid things and I think the zipper application could get a kid kicked out of 4H, but it works.
At around 9 I just wanted to get out of this house so I drove a bit and ended up grabbing a McBurrito at Chipotle (yes, I try to avoid them because they're owned by McDonalds and we have better local tacquerias, but I was right by there when I remembered that I was hungry) and then I ended up just sitting at the table and staring at the stupid scratched urban-edgy stainless steel table top for like way too long.
I have to do something about Job II. The last time I had a full day off was October 5th. I have now worked three weeks without stopping, and it looks like I'm just not strong enough to handle it. I'm only working 15 hours, spread over three shifts per week, which just doesn't sound like much to me, but my stress level is out of control, and I'm not even teaching Godly Play right now. I add that back in next week, and it's exhausting enough on its own.
What it comes down to is that my life is just out of alignment. Obviously, I've completely lost the concept of sabbath. The other day I found myself thinking that maybe I just wasn't made to work seven days a week, and then I had to smack myself when I realzed that, duh, I think that's pretty much in Genesis and I just taught that same concept in Godly Play a few weeks ago. I wonder...is the storyteller even listening to herself?
Working retail isn't clicking for me the way it used to. I can't really put my finger on what has changed, but it all seems pretty empty. I'm still good at it, and I can pull off looking happy while I'm there, but I used to get a bit of a buzz off the work itself and that's just not happening. I can't tell how much of that is the specific to Stumpriver (yes, I know, I suck at pseudonyms), the store where I'm working, though.
There's a desperation in the store that can almost be seen if you squint hard enough, and that's hard to be around. I think the manager may be in trouble with corporate since we're way off from last year, and her anxiety spills over into everything. It's not a great atmosphere, and they prohibit conversations between co-workers, so it's not as though I've built a bunch of great relationships with the other people.
It may be that I need to find a different job, say for 10 hours a week, and see if that changes anything. I would be sad about leaving after Stumpriver put all that effort into training me, except, well, they didn't, so I don't know why I feel guilty about wanting to leave. If I leave now they will be able to hire someone else and have her trained in time for the Christmas rush. And I should still be able to find something else.
The original reason I got into this mess, as those of you playing along at home will remember, was to finance a new place to live and get out of Bad House early next year. This is still a goal. I've been praying about it, though, and I feel like a solution is going to happen whether or not I work myself to death for the next two months. I don't know what it will look like at this point, but I do have faith that this situation isn't going to last forever. It would still be a good idea to lay away some extra cash so I'm ready for it, but this single-minded thing that I MUST make enough money to get my own apartment by such-and-such date is really rigid and wrongheaded and has gotten me into my current exhausted state.
At least tonight is PumpkinFest, and I will get to see Leigh and her terrifying cake!
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